Friday, January 21st, 2005
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9:26 pm - The Smell of Roses Made Her Cry...<3
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Well,hmm...
a little bit of everything has been on my mind lately.
post anything that you want, and post it anonymously. anything; a secret, a confession, a fear, a love, your opinion about me -- anything. be sure to post anonymously and honestly.pretty please?
i think about calling my sister alot & for her to explain how everything is going to be okay,because... she's only seven months older than me but i look up to her alot & i trust her when she says it's all going to be good.
i also think of trying to find out where my little brother Cody is,because everyone says he looks so much like me and Johnathon now,but he's young & he probally wouldnt understand why some girl who hasnt been there for him when he really needed it would want to see him so bad now.
i kinda of wish i had that return adress so i could write my dad back, i dont know why, i really have nothing to say to him except how he's screwed my mind up so much & how that letter hurt so bad because he never even asked how i was or said he loved me,it was always about everyone else.sounds selfish i know but i cant help how i feel.
& i want to make people smile again like i used to,lately it just seems like people are to scared to really tell me whats on there minds lately.
i'm tired of being stuck in the shadow of all these sad & depressed people,i mean they are wonderful friends & great people but it just brings me down. i remember when i used to just walk outside every morning & be happy that i got to breathe in the air & that i had everything i had.now i just feel very pessimistic & cynical about everything & i hate it,i dont want to feel this way anymore.
*i want to learn more about poetry & writing too,i want to be able
to sit & write beautiful words that make people smile & cry & feel infinite all day.*
that would really make me happy i think,because i used to write alot & i just gave up like i usually do because it got to hard & it just slipped away.i guess i couldnt handle critisism or not being able to light up someones face.
i have other thoughts i wish i could say before i end this entry but i think everyone already knows them & if they dont then they probally shouldnt.I guess i will just keep wishing my same old wish on 11:11 that i've been wishing since as far back as i can remember.
oh yeah--this is my last entry.
Bye,Goodnite,&SweetDreams*
current mood:  listless
current music: Everything - Stereo Fuse
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(20 wishes | comment on this)
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Thursday, January 20th, 2005
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6:45 pm - Words hit much harder than Bullets of a Gun,a Shovel to the Skull,a Stab in the Spine.BeMyValentine*
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Last Few Days.... AHHH crazy
I'm supposed to be writing Dustin a note,cause i promised him i would since he wasnt at school today,but i dont know what to write about.... :S
This morning the sky was Perfect...pink & purple.. i saw it on the bus with melissa & ashley,was pretty awesome.
Travis burnt me a cd today,Ben Kweller:), it makes me so happy because it doesnt seem like he hates me so much anymore.
& i saw Napoleon Dynamite today...Finally! i liked that part when that one kid smushed his Tots.haha
i hope ...i hope...i hope it snows!
current music: I Need You Back - Ben Kweller
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(4 wishes | comment on this)
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Wednesday, January 19th, 2005
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9:44 pm - Take These Broken Wings & Learn To Fly,All Your Life,You Were Only Waiting For This Moment To Arise.
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Good Day.
i feel like screaming...
current music: Blackbird - The Beatles
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, January 18th, 2005
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2:20 pm - If You Feel Discouraged that There's a Lack of Color here,Please Dont Worry Lover
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Well well well... i miss fallbreak, Candace is writing her pesonal narrative over what happened over fallbreak & it makes me nostalgic for all those Sunsets & Night Skies.
i dont know. What is wrong with me lately?
current mood:  disappointed
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(8 wishes | comment on this)
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Sunday, January 16th, 2005
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11:11 pm - wearing thin like those models on the cover of Vogue...
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I think of My Mind as a Blank Canvas...you can paint it if you'd like,just paint it happy,it hasnt seen that in a while... paint it with rain or flowers or with the color yellow,paint it anyway you'd like...just make it different.
current mood:  pessimistic
current music: Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen
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(8 wishes | comment on this)
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5:58 pm - i feel like whiting out all these old feelings
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Copeland - Take Care <3
I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
It was a straight faced lie
I believed
It was a straight faced lie
You would ever leave me
But for now I'll keep believing your words
And soon enough my strength will return
I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
I'll be right there
So keep breathing oh
Keep that sweet heart of yours beating
I'll be right there
I'll be right there
Let me draw the blinds for you
You can watch the sunset from
The bed in your hospital room
Until you're sleeping
I'm sure
I don't understand how I found a love so pure
I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
I'll be right there
So keep breathing oh
Keep that sweet heart of yours beating
I'll be right there
I'll be right there
Don't lift a finger
Let me show you
The only way to let this go
Don't lift a finger
Let me help you
Hold you here until the pain it has all gone
I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
I'll be right there
So keep breathing oh
Keep that sweet heart of yours beating
I'll be right there
I'll be right there
I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
I'll be right there
So keep breathing oh
Keep that sweet heart of yours beating
I'll be right there
I'll be right there
I'll be right there
I'll be right there
current music: Copeland - Take Care
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(2 wishes | comment on this)
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Tuesday, January 11th, 2005
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10:43 pm - ...try to hold it all inside...
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the most intresting thing that has happened to me since the new year has started is that i thought up a poem yesterday when i was walking to melissa's,& i really liked it alot,it just seemed to flow perfectly,i wish i would have written it down.i'm sure someone somewhere would have loved it as much as i did.
current music: The Used - Greener with the Scenery
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(2 wishes | comment on this)
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Sunday, January 9th, 2005
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12:52 am - </3
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Saturday, January 8th, 2005
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8:15 pm - i'm falling off the edge of the world & someone is helping push me...
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nothing to say really ... i think i've lost whatever sparkle i used to have ... i have no idea what is going on with my life right now ... i kind of wish things were more clear,for everyone, because it seems like everyone is losing their minds lately & getting broken hearted,but everything happens for a reason i guess.
i think it's stupid when people get mad at you for something you did when they've done it before,shit happens i guess oh fucking well.
sometimes i feel like i'm just going to lose my mind too,from all this confusion & not knowing whats really going on & all the secrets. i get so sick & tired of this sometimes. & i'm really tired of hearing everything will get better with time...
current mood: worried
current music: Guns N' Roses - Patience
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(4 wishes | comment on this)
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Tuesday, January 4th, 2005
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6:32 pm
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i think i am tired of all these cold-hearted stares i've been getting in the halls lately from people who have no clue about what is going on.
life isnt as complicated as eveeryone is making it lately...
current music: No Fun At All - Lose Another Friend
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(6 wishes | comment on this)
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Monday, January 3rd, 2005
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4:12 pm - ...when apologies just arent enough...
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that look on his face, i never even imagined someone i cared about so much could hate me so much. i do not blame him though,this is all my dumb fault...i just wish i could change things so he could be happy... i dont know,but then again i never do.
love is something i never really truly believed in.i always thought,who cares who i go out with now,5 years from now we wont be together,i dont know if that is how it is anymore.well i am in love,& this person knows who they are.... but i also really truelly cared about someone that i hurt,& i wish i could take it back,i wish i could change my heart & make it work a different way,but i cant & i have no idea what i am doing .... this is dumb,i give the fuck up!
but i really am sorry & just wish Travis knew this....
ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT I AM SORRY
current mood: confused & hated & stupid
current music: Alkaline Trio - Radio
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, January 2nd, 2005
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7:44 pm - <3
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my heart is still racing....
current music: Further Seems Foever - The Sound
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(comment on this)
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Thursday, December 30th, 2004
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11:52 pm - am i invisible?
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Wednesday, December 29th, 2004
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3:19 pm
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At PressAnyKey.com,Here are the results of your birthdate: May 10
Looks very decorative
no self-confident behavior
only courageous if necessary
needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings
very choosy
often lonely
great animosity
artistic nature
good organizer
tends to philosophy
reliable in any situation
takes partnership serious.
tia, have you got any new books i can read when we get back to school? *puppy dog eyes* <3<3<3
current music: Hot Water Music - Trusty Chords
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, December 28th, 2004
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12:48 am - just a song i love that explains how i feel lately....
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i know this cant be good for my heart.but i've got a lot questions lately.
BRIGHT EYES _ NO LIES JUST LOVE
It was in the march of the winter I turned 17
that I bought those pills
I thought I would need
and I wrote a letter to my family
said it's not your fault
and you've been good to me
just lately I've been feeling
like I don't belong
like the ground is not mine to walk upon
and I've heard that music
echo through the house
where my grandmother drank
by herself
and I sat watching a flower
as it was withering
I was embarrased by it's honesty
so I'd prefer to be remembered as a smiling face
not this fucking wreck
that's taken it's place
so please forgive what I have done
BUT you can't stay mad at the setting sun
CAUSE we all get tired I mean eventually
there's nothing left to do but sleep
but spring came bearing sunlight
those persuasive rays
so I gave myself a few more days
my salvation it came, quite suddenly
when Justin spoke very plainly
he said "Of course it's your decision,
but just so you know,
if you decide to leave,
soon I will follow"
I wrote this for a baby
who has yet to be born
my brother's first child
I hope that womb's not too warm
cause it's cold out here
and it'll be quite a shock
to breathe this air
to discover loss
so I'd like to make some changes
before you arrive
so when your new eyes meet mine
they won't see no lies
just love.
just love.
i will be pure
i know i will be pure
like snow,like gold
like snow,like gold
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(comment on this)
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Monday, December 27th, 2004
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11:12 pm - Eh... usually filling these things out scare the hell out of me....
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again i've given up on trying to resist doing these dumb things:(
*-*JuSt StUfF*-*
What is your name?: jessica
Are you named after anyone?: No
What's your screename?: well ... if you know me then you know.
Would you name a child of yours after you?: nope
If you were born a member of the opposite sex what would your name be?: no idea
If you could switch names with a friend who would it be?: wouldnt.
Are there any mispronounciations/typos that ppl do w/ your name constantly?: people spell my last name wrong alot.
Would you drop your last name if you became famous?: nope.
*-*BaSiCs*-*
Your gender: female
Straight/Gay/Bi: straight
Birthdate: may 10th '90
Age you act: depends on my mood.
Age you wish you were: Hmm... i like my age
Your height: haha 4'8
Eye color: hazel
Happy with it?: yeah
Hair color: dark brown.
Happy with it?: sometimes
Braces?: Nope
Lefty/righty/ambidextrous: righty.
Your living arrangement: Me,&my mum,&Tommy
Your family: haha
Have any pets?: yeah.too many
Whats your job?: Dont have a job
Piercings?: my ears
Tattoos?: nope
Obsessions?: planes... not how they're made or anything i just like wishing on them.
Addictions?: french vanilla & sunsets
Do you speak another language?: nope
Have a favorite quote?: "live fast,love hard,leave a beautiful corpse"
Do you have a webpage?: nope
*-*DeEp ThOuGhTs AbOuT LiFe AnD YoU In It*-*
Do you live in the moment?: i did once,but i learned my lesson.
Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?: very
Do you have any secrets?: yes
Do you hate yourself?: Sometimes,but not too much
Do you like your handwriting?: yes
Do you have any bad habits? yes
What is the compliment you get from most people?: I dunno,that i'm tolerant of people i guess.
If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?: HAHA
What's your biggest fear?: fires.... :/
Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?: no,i'm me haha
Are you a loner?: nope
What are your #1 priorities in life?: to help people
If you were another person, would you be friends with you?: i dunno,maybe
Are you a daredevil?: once in awhile.
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?: a few things,nothing big
Are you passive or agressive?: i'm passive-agressive haha
Do you have a journal?: obviously.
What is your greatest strength: Hmm.. im not for sure
and weakness?: i'm naive
Do you think you are emotionally strong?: Yes,sometimes you gotta be strong for everyone,not just yourself.
Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?: yes, i am bad at this.
What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?: you just gotta live,no matter what crazy shit happens
Are you perceived wrongly?: i think so,yes
*-*Do YoU*-*...
Smoke?: no
Do drugs?: no
Read the newspaper?: sometimes
Pray?: Yes
Go to church?: No
Talk to strangers who IM you?: sure why not.
Sleep with stuffed animals?: yes
Take walks in the rain?: Yes
Talk to people even though you hate them? i dont hate anyone.
Drive?: no
*-*WoUlD Or HaVe YoU EVeR?*-*
Liked your voice?: nope
Hurt yourself?: would i? no
Been out of the country?: nope.
Eaten something that made other people sick?: Yeah
Been in love?: love is complicated & i still have alot of time to learn about it.
Had a medical emergency?: yeah
Had surgery?: nope
Ran away from home?: no
Slept outdoors?: yes
Thought about suicide?: Ha a long time ago
Talked on the phone all night?: yeah
Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex?: Yeah,its not hard really.
Slept all day?: yeah
Made out with a stranger?: nope
Thought you're going crazy?: a few times.
Been betrayed?: yeah
Lied?: yeah
Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?: yes,but if i respect you then you have nothing to worry about.
Stolen anything?: yeah
Been on radio/tv?: i dont think so.
Had a nervous breakdown?: yes
Had a dream that kept coming back?: yes
*-*BeLiEfS*-*
Miracles?: yes
Astrology?:yes
Magic?:yes
God?: Yes
Satan?: no
Santa?: no
Ghosts?: yes
Luck?: yes
Love at first sight?: yes
Yin and yang (that good cant exist w/o bad)?: yes
Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?: yes
Believe theres a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?: yes
Do you wish on stars?: sometimes.but i usually just wish on planes.
*-*FrIeNdS*-*
Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?: yes
Who is your best friend?: i have a few.
Who's the one person that knows most about you?: Brittany or Zack or Tia
What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you?: not to give a fuck what anyone else thinks of you.
Your favorite inside joke?: hmm.... ARE YOU COLD?
Who's your longest known friend?: brittany
Newest?: hmm i dunno
Shyest?: travis
Funniest?: melissa or zack
Sweetest?: zack,when he talks about brittany
Closest?: all of them
Weirdest?: all of them
Smartest?: Tia
Ditziest?: Brittany
Last person you talked to online?: caleb
Who do you talk to most online?: zack
Who are you on the phone with most?: zack or brittany, i'm not a phone person
Who listens to your problems?: hmm... all of them i guess
Who's your second family?: none.
Do you always feel understood?: Not Always
Do you trust others easily?: yes
Name one person who's arms you feel safe in: no ones
Do your friends know you?: I Hope So
Friend that lives farthest away: i dont know prolly Chad.
*-*LoVe AnD aLL ThAt*-*
Turn-on?: guys with hips & pretty eyes
Turn-off?: single-mindedness & smoking
First kiss?:i dont remember
If someone u had no interest in, had interest in dating u how would u feel?: i dont know
Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going out with them: yes
Have u ever wished it was more socially acceptable 4 a girl 2 ask a guy out: no,because if i want to ask someone out then i just will.i dont care if its socially accepted.
Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive: yes
What is best about the opposite sex?: ....
What is the worst thing about the opposite sex?: ....
What's the last present someone gave you?: Hmmm.
*-*WhO WaS ThE LaSt PeRsOn...*-*
You wanted to kill?: no one
You went walking with?: hmm... i walk Alone sorry
That you laughed at?: my mum
That laughed at you?: my mum
You went shopping with?: my mum
That broke your heart?: ummm... haha why complain about a broken heart when you could be happy?
To ask you out?: patrick..... haha about 6 months ago!
To make you cry?: i dont cry
To brighten up your day?: brittany
You saw a movie with?: Johnathon & Daniel
You talked to on the phone?: Brittany
You talked to through IM/ICQ?: i dont know
You saw?: zack
You lost?: .....
*-*RiGhT ThIs MoMeNt...*-*
What are you wearing right now?: clothes
What are you worried about right now?: nothing
What book are you reading?: Paint Me Like I Am
What's on your mousepad?: nothing,its black
Are you bored?: no
Are you tired?: no
Are you talking to anyone online?: no
Are you talking to anyone on the phone?: no.
Are you lonely or content?: Both
Are you listening to music?: yes
Do you miss someone?:yes
Do you wish you could tell someone something but cant?: yes
current music: rocks tonic juice magic - saves the day
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(3 wishes | comment on this)
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Friday, December 24th, 2004
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11:39 pm - I decided i'd like to know what you all REALLY think of me...
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So anywho i've given into the peer pressure...& i would really like to know what everyone thinks of me. Please,haha.
Answer these and I'll answer yours
1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
7. Describe me in one word.
8. What was your first impression?
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. When's the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
15. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?
current music: In Other Words - Ben Kweller
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(11 wishes | comment on this)
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2:36 pm - Christmas Eve
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"A Lack Of Color"
And when i see you
I really see you upside down
But my brain knows better
It picks you up and turns you around
Turns you around, turns you around
If you feel discouraged
That there's a lack of color here
Please don't worry lover
It's really bursting at the seems
Absorbing everything
The spectrum's a to z
This is fact not fiction
For the first time in years
And all the girls in every girlie magazine
Can't make me feel any less alone
I'm reaching for the phone
To call at 7:03 and on your machine I slur a plea for you to come home
But i know it's too late
I should have given you a reason to stay
Given you a reason to stay [x3]
This is fact not fiction
For the first time in years
current music: a lack of color - deathcab for cutie
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(7 wishes | comment on this)
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Thursday, December 23rd, 2004
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12:04 am - the sky is edged in purple*
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Saturday, December 18th, 2004
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9:18 pm - *may angels lead you in & if you were with me tonite i'd sing to you just one more time...*
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the moon is out tonite, so beautiful.& i wish you were here to see it too. there's noone i would rather share this with,though i dont think anyone else would care about the simple things like this,only you would understand.
current music: hear you me - jimmy eat world
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(comment on this)
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raincoat_eyes's journal
scared of your answer